if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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