I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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