Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
