just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
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She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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