the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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