It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
