What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
