Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
