I've blown a few things in my day
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
