I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
