I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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