Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I party with great urgency now.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
