Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
