We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
