I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Its about making memories worth repressing
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The air was thick with penises
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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