I hate all girls vehemently.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
