one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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