i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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