I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
