omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
