so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
