my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The adults are the big ones right?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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