no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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