my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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