Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
