Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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