Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
