What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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