his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
