Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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