cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
