Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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