When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
