I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
