my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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