Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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