Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
