After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
