I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
