Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
