Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he shaved USA in his pubs
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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