i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
