Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
