Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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