i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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