Will you blow on my dice?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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