so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
