Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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