Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
