When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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