is your mom at the bar?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
