Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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