all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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