Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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